do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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