True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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