At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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