Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Watching her eat just hurts me
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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