My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We are two peas in an std pod
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
