totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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