she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
