Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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