life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i've created a new STD.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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