This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
