At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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