sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
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Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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