my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
