Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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