The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need to stop coming to work sober
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
