All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
