If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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