nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
