Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
