I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My feet surprised me
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