hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
