i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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