Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish i was in the wii world.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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