You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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