I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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