my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
