yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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