just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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