real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
