Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
