You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i drank out of a bidet.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
