Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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