I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
