Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
