We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize