Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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