I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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