There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
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Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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