I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
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It was like giving head to a cactus.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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