i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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