I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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