can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
