I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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