Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
