It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We named our party play list daddy issues
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
