the condom got lost in my hair
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
