getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize