I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
