he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
