matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
