Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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