wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
