You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
