is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
