my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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