I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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