Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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