oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Never joke about your clitoris.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
