Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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