why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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